I can’t sleep. I have been avoiding coke for a couple of weeks but tonight I had a drink. Too much caffeine I guess. As I was on my bed, I can’t sleep. I tried closing my eyes several times but my mind doesn’t want to shut down.  Suddenly I remember my father who passed away. I don’t know maybe because my contract is expiring (work stuff) or simply because I missed him. After all it has been almost 8 years. Our family has been doing great thanks to my mother who always finds ways for us to survive. It’s been a great ride. I know my mother suffers a lot of pain not just by losing her husband but also from her children and that includes me. I remember her crying in front of me when I messed up my studies at MSU-IIT. And when I think about it now, I was such a bad son. Now, I realized that to be a good son, you need to be a good student also. She always tells me that I am good brother to my siblings. Of course, I had to. I am the eldest. Setting example is not my style. I was not born to become a leader, I knew it since the day I realized I like being alone more than having a companion. I don’t even talk that much with my mother when we were in sala while watching TV. But I do listen, I just choose not to respond.

It came into my mind on what our life is, if my father is still alive. I don’t really know but I am happy with what is going on. I am not happy because he is not physically around but because there are two of them watching my mother and my siblings. I don’t really pray for myself. I just don’t, because I believed that a prayer is more powerful if it comes from others. Of course, I do say thank you if something good happens.

When a person dies, the one you dearly loved, it changes you! When I lost my father, I was just 17 years old. My mind was not ready for any responsibilities as I grew up as being a carefree person. I don’t know how to grief. One thing I remember is, I almost passed out when I heard the news. I just can’t believe it! My mind went blank that time and my vision was pitch-black. That was really painful! My father is such a good person. Of course, he is my father! He is a good husband. I remember when he and my mother had a fight once, he would went up to our house bringing a bottle of beer and cry. He was never ashamed of showing his tears to us. He is soft when it comes to his family, to my mom specifically but he has a firm stand on his principles and belief. He died for it. I never saw him hit my mother, and she concur as I asked her. Sometimes when they’re fighting my mom would left in our house and he will took off also just to find her.

Their marriage was not perfect and so with their love for each other.

There is this memory that I loved to look back with my father.

When I was on my 6th grade, I got a stomachache. Probably because I did not eat my breakfast well and I was chewing bubble gum. As soon as my father heard about it, he immediately went to my school and carry me until we reaches our house. Our house is not that far from school but the road to reach it is like a roller coaster, lots of ups and downs. While I was on his shoulder, I felt his love and I really missed it.  

Another is when we visited our old house and we were cutting down grasses as it was so tall surrounding the house. It was the first house that they built together (with my mother). I also grew up there. He would encourage me to be more active or be more energetic to it. The funny thing is he was the first one to ask for a rest. He can’t stand daylight that much. That’s why as he told us, my grandfather sent him to school because he can’t plow.

It stops here. I am a bit sleepy.

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